WELL HELLO FRIENDS, JIM HERE FROM AFGHANISTAN WITH ANOTHER CONSUMER HEALTH REPORT. LET ME BEGIN BY SAYING I DON'T REALLY CARE WHAT KIND OF YEAR YOU HAD LAST YEAR. I'M A STEP AWAY FROM SUICIDE MYSELF AND HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS SO DON'T START BITCHING AT ME. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I JUST DON'T LIKE PEOPLE. ALSO, LIKE PAUL I HATE CATS AND KILLED TWO LAST YEAR. BUT PAUL, I AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE COULD CARE LESS ABOUT YOUR FUCKING PHEASANTS. THROW THEM IN A POT I'M HUNGRY! OKAY,RANT OVER. FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW!

TODAY'S AFGHANI HEALTH TIP: IF YOU STILL HAVE ALL YOUR LIMBS OR IF YOU DON'T AND STILL LIKE TO HAVE SEX, BE SURE TO KEEP THINGS CLEAN! THE LAST THING PEOPLE NEED IN AFGHANISTAN IS A POPULATION EXPLOSION. FIND SOME CARCASS AND DIG OUT THE INTESTINES.THE AVERAGE INTESTINE BEING 20 TO 40 FEET LONG, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CUT A MINIMUM 40 TO 80 CONDOMS AT 6" EACH. BE SURE TO TIE UP ONE END WITH THREAD TO PREVENT ACCIDENTS AND FOR ALLAH'S SAKE WASH THE FUCKING THINGS OUT. OTHERWISE IT'S JUST A DISGUSTING THING TO DO. I KNOW WHAT THE WOMEN ARE THINKING. "JIM, DON'T BE SO SICK". (CYNTHIA'S FAVOURITE LINE) BUT IT'S FUNNY HOW THE MOOD CHANGES WHEN I WALK INTO THE STUNTED CAMEL NIGHTCLUB WITH MY INTESTINES IN MY HAND. ALLAH BLESS! TALK TO YOU SOON. REALLY PAUL,NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE PHEASANTS. I AM DISGUSTED WITH HOW POLITE AND FESTIVE YOU'VE BEEN. NOW I EXPECT TO BE INSULTED AND I MEAN GOOD!

-JIM URQUHART.(PAULFIRLOTTE.COM HEALTH CORRESPONDENT).

THE OTHER NIGHT A BAND OF INDIANS FROM THE KINGSCLEAR RESERVE ARE SITTING DRINKING IN THE ICU FAMILY ROOMS WAITING FOR THEIR GRANDFATHER, GET THIS:RICKY COON-COME TO PULL THROUGH HIS OPERATION. STRANGELY IT WAS A LIVER OPERATION CAUSED BY EXCESSIVE DRINKING. SO LIKE THE BIG MOUTH I AM, I DECIDE TO START A RACE RIOT BY TELLING THE BIGGEST INDIAN. "YOU GUYS BETTER NOT BE DRINKING IN THIS FUCKING HOSPITAL!" BEFORE YOU KNOW IT THERE ARE SIX SECURITY AND ORDERLIES INTO IT OUTSIDE ICU WITH A BAND OF 10 INDIANS. I EVEN KICKED ONE SQUAW RIGHT IN THE CUNT. (I FELT JUSTIFIED AS SHE SPIT ON ME AND WAS TRYING TO BITE ME.) SO AFTER MY 4TH AIDS TEST IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS AND A BULLSHIT PARADE OUTSIDE THE MANAGER'S OFFICE,I FEEL REFRESHED AND NOT ALTOGETHER CALM WHEN HAPPENING BY INDIANS. ON THE UPSIDE,THE SNAKEBITE IS NOW ALL HEALED.

I LIKE YOUR ROOM MATE'S TITS.

-JIM.